Hello ShalenaD.I.V.A,
I recently got involved with a man whose wife committed suicide two years ago. He has his good days along with the bad days, but all in all he’s still grieving. He was awakened the other morning by a horrible dream in which he relived the funeral scenario all over again. This caused him to become very emotional, and break down and cry. I didn’t know what to say except that everything is going to be okay. After our conversation I immediately began praying for him. However, I found myself needing to reach out to talk to someone. I want to be there and help him, but I don’t know how. I told him that I would back off and give him all the time and space that he needed. He then sends me a text message stating that he needs to get himself together and he understands if I feel the need to move on. Moving on isn’t an option for me. I want to be there and be with this man, but through all of his heartache and pain he isn’t able to understand. I’m wondering if he can love me as much as he loved his wife, or am I simply wasting my time by competing with a dead spirit.

Moving On is not an Option


Dear Moving on is not an option,Losing a spouse or any loved one is hard. You have to keep in mind that time and patience heal all wounds and that you have to be his prayer warrior during his time of need. If you really and truly love this man you have to be by his side even if it’s from afar. Help him by sending him daily scriptures to get him through his time of grieving. He may feel like he was the cause of her actions. No one knows why a person makes the choices that they make. He probably wishes that he was there to save her or could’ve prevented this tragedy somehow. You being a strong and virtuous woman will help him through his grieving process. Just pray that God sent you in his life to be a beacon of light. There had to be something there for him to allow you into his life despite what he is going through right now.

If you can express your feelings by showing him your unconditional love and compassion for his feelings he will get through this. Although his deceased wife will never leave his memory, it is possible for you and him to create new and wonderful memories together. Try to live in the moments with him and celebrate her life. Being a strong woman doesn’t mean just being there it means excepting it all to bring life back into his world by celebrating all the birthdays, anniversaries and other special occasions. When and if he decides to move forward toward a loving and healthy relationship with you, celebrate life and don’t allow the memory of a tragedy to stir old wounds over and over again.


Chantel “Designer of Love” Rogers

© 2010, Shalena D.I.V.A. – Personal Branding| Content Marketing| Product Creation. All rights reserved.


  1. Ciara on August 30, 2010 at 9:43 am

    I think it depends upon what you honestkly expect from this relationship. It seems like you want a real relationship with this man and that you’re willing to stick it out to be with him. My only concern for you is that youo end up expending so much energy on this man trying to help him and ntohing comes of this relationship. It’s one thing to good time and go through the motions and nothing comes of it, but to be constantly tugged at emotionally on such a deep level with this man and have nothing come of it is something different. I think this man needs to get counseling and that you should be more of a friend to him than a lover right now. Like Chantel said, you can love him from afar for now. I just see you getting involved and tangled up in his emotional roller coasters and that’s not fair to you.

    This is only my opinion. You seem like a great woman and I just don’t want to see you going through unneccesary drama. I think there will always be a third person in your relationship, the dead wife.

  2. Chanel Kelley via Facebook on May 5, 2011 at 11:53 am


  3. Gene Steele via Facebook on May 5, 2011 at 11:55 am

    It takes years to get over a loss like that. Do not date a grieving person if ur expecting to stop their grief. If u come into a grieving persons life go in with only the intention of being a support to them. Its not their fault & u shouldn’t add to their grief! They’re in pain for the long haul!! It happens to the best!

    Hi Shalena!!

  4. MsDebbie MsEdmonson Boyd via Facebook on May 5, 2011 at 11:56 am

    Shalena Girl Iam Like one of The Others who Anwsed Somthing A Lil while back. Girl get out my Life. Joke Lol. But Yes and Still Married. Wow!

  5. www.shalenadiva.com via Facebook on May 5, 2011 at 12:12 pm

    I think the problem that I would have with this is that I would probably feel like this man’s counselor or therapist and not his mate. As a woman, I can tell when another woman, dead or alive, is in the picture. And I wouldn’t like it. I understand that people need time, but I think I’d have to settle for a friendship instead of a relationship because I need to be #1, second to a ghost. That may sound cruel, but that’s how I feel. The woman in this letter clearly states that this man is still going through many changes and mood swings. I don’t know if I’m mature enough to handle this situaion.

  6. Isaac Ike Aboh via Facebook on May 5, 2011 at 12:13 pm

    I have never had the experience befriending such person not to talk falling in love even after ordinary death. But 4a suiside case ha! that’s a heck trauma, I had a snr. sister whom the husband died 3months after d 1st delivery, she never came out of mental torture of that now, 49 years after, her mood would tell u that the man is still there w/o asking. Such situation trips me to d marrow and I would not like 2 directly be involved and will not wish that to even my enemy.

  7. www.shalenadiva.com via Facebook on May 5, 2011 at 12:15 pm

    @Gene—we agree on something! What a surprise! I think you’re right, you can’t date a grieving person expecting to stop their grief. But are you also fooling yourself into thinking that you can have a “normal” relationship with a grieving person? I saw this man on a news special who lost his wife on /11. He still sleeps on “his side of the bed” and never sleeps on “her side of the bed” as if he’s waiting for her to come home one day and take her rightful spot. I feel for this man, but I couldn’t date someone like that. Where would i sleep?!? I don’t mean to make light of this, but it makes me wonder. Even if he starts dating someone new and stops doing this, his wife will always have “her side of the bed.”

  8. Chanel Kelley via Facebook on May 5, 2011 at 12:16 pm


  9. Diane Hendricks via Facebook on May 5, 2011 at 12:18 pm

    Time heals all wounds. Give the relationship time through much prayer and support.

  10. www.shalenadiva.com via Facebook on May 5, 2011 at 12:21 pm

    I think some black folks need to seek counseling. There’s nothing wrong with it. Talking to your pastor or other church official is fine, but sometimes people need to seek out professional help. There are Christian counselors and therapists out there, too. I’ll also venture to say that many black people dismiss or simply ignore things like depression. But it’s real. I don’t mean to knock anyone, I just want people to get help.

  11. Chanel Kelley via Facebook on May 5, 2011 at 12:22 pm


  12. www.shalenadiva.com via Facebook on May 5, 2011 at 12:22 pm

    @Chanel—I can only imagine how hard it was for him to start over again and give the new wife a fair chance and not let her stand in his previous wife’s shadow. I’m glad he found a new love. Thanks for sharing because your comment will give someone else a lot of hope.

  13. www.shalenadiva.com via Facebook on May 5, 2011 at 12:24 pm

    @Isaac—I’m glad you shared this because people can tell when a third person or “ghost” is still in the relationship. It’s weird, but you can feel it. That is a terrible situation to be in for sure.

  14. www.shalenadiva.com via Facebook on May 5, 2011 at 12:26 pm

    @Chanel—I agree that time heals all wounds, but I don’t know if I could stomach this kind of situation.. but I guess it would depend on the person and the type of relationship. I think if I were in this situation, I would better serve as a friend to the person. I would want all of the person, not just the available parts that aren’t soley focused on the deceased.

  15. Chanel Kelley via Facebook on May 5, 2011 at 12:28 pm


  16. Antwoine Halmon via Facebook on May 5, 2011 at 12:42 pm

    i am that person not literaly but mut fiance was murdered and many nights ive relived the senario over and over blaming myself for not bein there to protect her

  17. Shawna Webb via Facebook on May 5, 2011 at 12:45 pm

    I agree with Chanel, I have been here before and things were not so good. But who knows how your situation will turn out, only God.

  18. MsDebbie MsEdmonson Boyd via Facebook on May 5, 2011 at 12:53 pm

    My Husband Losted his 2nd wife A Month before We Met. And I Did feel he was Still Grieving. But he Kept Saying he was not. Don’t get me Wrong I Love him Dearly. But in the Back of my Mind every Now and Then I Wonder.We have Been Married 12 Years.

  19. www.shalenadiva.com via Facebook on May 5, 2011 at 12:55 pm

    @Antwoine—I’m sorry to hear that. Will or have you started dating again? Is it hard? Have you sought out counseling? You have to realize that it’s not your fault. I know that a man wants to protect his family, but sometimes things don’t always work out that way. I’ll pray for you because I can only imagine the pain you’re feeling.

  20. Antwoine Halmon via Facebook on May 5, 2011 at 1:09 pm

    @Shalena when i started datin i was overprotective women said i crouded there space among other things then in some way i compared every girl to her. i’ve never been to counselin because thats what i went to school for so i thought i could cure myself but i was wrong cause i still feel it

  21. www.shalenadiva.com via Facebook on May 5, 2011 at 1:13 pm

    @Antwoine—Even doctors need to see doctors. It could only help if you got counseling. I can see why you were over protective, too. That’s actually a great trait o have. How long has it been since she died?

  22. Gene Steele via Facebook on May 5, 2011 at 1:15 pm

    @ Shalena, we agree on a lot but most women won’t admit to that! Lol.

  23. Antwoine Halmon via Facebook on May 5, 2011 at 1:36 pm

    @ shalena its been 17 years

  24. Antwoine Halmon via Facebook on May 5, 2011 at 1:40 pm

    and its affected every relationship i tried to have so i’ve basically given up

  25. www.shalenadiva.com via Facebook on May 5, 2011 at 1:41 pm

    @Antwoine—WOW! Are you in a serious relationship now? What advice would you give to a woman who is dating a man stricken by grief like you? Should she stay or just be his friend?

  26. Antwoine Halmon via Facebook on May 5, 2011 at 1:49 pm

    No im not in a relationship but my advice would be just b supportive and understanding and if u feel its too much dont let it linger on be blunt he/she will respect u for it

  27. Curtis on May 5, 2011 at 4:02 pm

    I think first off, she has to be sure that it’s not her perception that he’s not over her. Unless he’s always bringing up things in the past and moping around making her feel as though she’s second, dont make waves. Second, she has to unde…rstand that these things take time to get over, especially if he was deeply in love and the situation that lead to the suicide in some way made him feel he was at fault. The new wife hopefully knew of the event prior to marrying, did he show those emotions then or did they all of a sudden pop up, did she think she would make him get over her??? If he truly has a problem of letting go and moving on, then he’ll need more than time, he’ll need counseling. I dont know, maybe its just me, but I think most black people dont seek counseling, we dont want anyone in our business, we can handle it all by ourself. Losing a loved one can be very hard to accept, even when someone new comes into your life. Let him have his memories, but tell him the two of them together will make new, bigger and better memories.

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