Dear Shalena D.I.V.A.,
I am a middle aged woman who has been married once, got divorced, but have never remarried. My ex-husband is originally from Ghana and we met over thirty years ago in college. I quickly fell in love with him because he was kind, respectable, and genuinely cared for me. Our marriage was going smoothly until his relatives from Ghana visited us. I could tell right away that these women did not care for me. I would hear them whispering amongst each other whenever I would walk past them. They didn’t even eat the food I prepared for them—what a slap in the face. My husband was acting distant, too—as if he was suddenly ashamed of me. Normally, we would show displays of affection freely, but he didn’t show me any affection around them.
When they finally left to go back to Ghana, he told me that his relatives did not approve of me because I was too proud and worldly. Since when does having a healthy dose of self confidence make anyone “too proud”? How dare they call me worldy when I am a sincere Christian who abstains from anything I think would offend God? More than anything, who are they to judge me? Although I tried to convince my husband that these women were wrong about me, it didn’t seem to change his mind.
One day, my husband told me that I should marry a white man because he was not good enough for me. I was devastated and confused because I didn’t know any white men at all. This really surprised me because I always thought my husband was so sure of himself, but comments like these made me think otherwise. I don’t know why he thought he wasn’t good enough for me. After that we started slowly drifting apart.
Finally, after a few years of separation, I asked him if he wanted a divorce because it seemed like the logical thing to do. He said yes and didn’t put up a fight at all. It was as if I asked him to come along with me to the mall and he said yes. I really didn’t want to get the divorce, but I felt as if there was no hope for our marriage.
Since our divorce, I have dated other men, but I haven’t remarried. I feel like I sinned against God when I divorced my husband. I guess I was leaning unto my own understanding instead of looking to Him. People have encouraged me to date and consider getting remarried to someone else, but I don’t feel that in my spirit. I would really need God to let me know that it is okay to remarry someone other than my ex-husband. But the truth is I regret getting a divorce because when all is said and done, I think we could’ve worked things out between us.
I ran into my husband a few years ago and we became the best of friends. Interestingly, neither of us remarried. I don’t know if he feels the same way I do about getting remarried in God’s eyes, but I believe he didn’t remarry another woman for a reason.
We talk on the phone often and plan to see each other very soon. I still love this man and I know he loves me. We have skirted around the issue of marriage, but always back away.
Life is short and I want to live a life that is pleasing to God. Should I remarry my ex-husband? What should I do if he never asks me to remarry him? Should I ask him?
To Remarry or not to Remarry
Response from Shalena D.I.V.A.
Dear Remarry or not to Remarry,
I think you should really try to work things out with your ex-husband. It seems as though you two allowed petty differences to destroy your marriage. I’m so glad that you recognized this. I think many marriages could be saved if folks took a step back and just got to the root of their issues. Your husband married you and not his relatives from Ghana; therefore, he shouldn’t allow what they think to determine how he feels for you. I also think the “you need to marry a white man” suggestion was an excuse he used to justify pushing you away. Although I know there are cultural differences that need to be understood in this relationship, I think you should be honest with yourself and see if what his relatives said about you being too proud had any basis. By that I mean ask yourself if you showed your husband respect and treated him like the head of your relationship and always made him feel secure in this role. Sometimes, being a headstrong and independent woman can eclipse a man in a relationship if we are not careful. Always allow a man to be a man. I’m not saying that you are guilty of this. I’m only suggesting that you examine yourself and work on things that he complained about that you know you can change. Pray about that.
You said that you wouldn’t remarry someone other than your ex-husband unless God put it in your spirit to do so. It seems to me like God did answer your prayer because you and your ex-husband have reunited somewhat and neither of you have remarried. I think that’s a sign that you shouldn’t have remarried someone other than . I also think that is what you truly want. Nobody is perfect just keep that in mind if you decide to move forward with this relationship.
Finally, although I think you should remarry your ex-husband, I don’t think you should ask him. I think he should propose to you. In fact, I don’t think any woman should ask a man to marry her. If he wants to marry you, he will ask. I’m not saying that you shouldn’t bring the topic of marriage up during conversation, just let it be him who makes that move.
Above all else, continue to seek God and let Him direct you.
P.S. Remember everything has beauty including YOU. It just takes a true D.I.V.A. to see it!
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