Dear God, it’s me Michelle. I wish I was a little girl asking you when will my pimples clear up or if the boy in 5th period likes me. But God I’m a grown woman who’s been saved and serving you for years. I’m an accomplished woman whom you have abundantly blessed. As the elder saints would say, you’ve brought me from a mighty long way. But God, I am also a widow at thirty-six who’s still asking why did you take my husband away. Lord, I know all of the scriptures, ” to be absent from the body is to be present with God” and so on. But God, I still wonder why.
Darin and I were saved and serving you. I know we weren’t perfect and we had a lot of growing in Christ to do. So Lord why? Why him? Why now? We were so happy. We had so many hopes and dreams. We were enjoying life and looking forward to the future. With Darin, life made sense. If work was tough or family obligations were wearing me down, I had you to pray to and Darin to talk to. I was set! Come richer or poorer, preferably richer, sickness, health – whatever, Darin and I knew that we would make it because we had you and each other.
Now Lord it’s just me and I know that I have you but sometimes, it’s hard to pray because I am angry and disappointed. I had no idea on that fateful day that I would see Darin and hear his voice for the last time. And Lord, as I think about where I am in life, where I’ve been, what it all means – I’m blank. Sometimes I feel like I am going through the motions and that I’ll wake up and Darin will come home from work and ask what’s for dinner, or I’ll open up the bathroom and see him showering. I know that because of your keeping me that I haven’t completely lost my mind. I appreciate you for everything you are to me. But Lord, I’m angry. I’m sad and at times I’m lonely. I miss my husband and best friend. We were buddies! He is truly the only person I have ever traveled with and never got tired of his company. I miss his stories, his jokes and his laughter. I miss his cold feet, his big hands and his even bigger smile. I miss our trips to the grocery store, Mxonopoly games and vacations. I even miss our nights in bed watching TV and eating ice cream.
Lord, I know you love me and that you have a plan for my life. I just wish that I knew what it is. The thought or dare I say the reality of being single at thirty-six in an age where statistics suggest that Black people or Black women are not likely to marry, that HIV/AIDS is the number one killer of young Black women, and where chivalry and courting seem to be have gone by the wayside is scary! There are only so many purses, shoes and mutual funds that I can buy. Only so much time to work, work out, and go out with girlfriends. But seriously Lord, I have been here before. Prior to dating and marrying Darin, I traversed those “single” waters and many of the statistics were prevalent. However, I thank you because I remember when I began to trust you, you rewarded my faith by sending a true gentleman and friend to me. This man courted me and made me his wife – after he sought direction from you. We had some beautiful times and while I am sad that they’re over, I know that you know the desires of my heart. I will continue to meditate on your word, “all things work together for the good of them who love the Lord and are called according to His purpose.” I know I will also have more times when I will lash out at you and at others because I am hurting. I ask you to continue to heal me and to strengthen me as I go. Make me all you have called me to be. These things I ask in faith and in Jesus’ name. Thank God. Amen.
Michelle D. Banks is the Founder and Executive Director of The Darin C. Banks Foundation, a youth education and mentoring organization. She started DCBF in loving memory of her husband Darin, and to continue his legacy of service to others. In addition to providing college bound students with scholarships, DCBF also coordinates mentoring programs designed to encourage students to explore potential career paths, build character, and promote volunteer service. To find out more about DCBF, go to www.dcbfoundation.org, fan The Darin C. Banks Foundation on Facebook, connect with DCBF on Twitter, or contact DCBF at (313) 605-0057.
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