I’ve never done this before, you know, write you a letter to tell you how I feel about you and what you’ve done in my life. You’ve seen me go through so much and I never really took the time to reflect on how far I’ve come. Although I know that you know everything about me, I figured I’d finally give my existence a voice. Here it goes…
It has been seven years since my son was born! He was born severely premature only weighing 1lb and 7 oz!! “Is he alive, does he have fingers, can he breath?” I asked the nurse because as a first time “mom” I had no idea that a child could live being born so small……but I guess you had other plans!! I must say, that I never wanted children for myself. My mother had me at 17, and for most if not all of her life she was addicted to drugs, (heroine, crack, weed, alcohol) you name it, she did it. She had schizophrenia which I believe was brought on by the drugs. She died from AIDS two years ago. She was never able to take care of me or my sister and brothers. I lived with my grandmother till I was 7 and then was given to my father’s family! I never felt loved and was teased as a child for not having a mother. I carried this with me for most of my life and just did not want children. I have had domestic violence in my life. Many broken bones, and was choked to the point of passing out. I had many abortions, but after the last one at age 28, I felt so much guilt and emotional pain that I promised you I would not kill another baby. My plan was to just not get pregnant. Well, I did get pregnant at the age of 33, and all of the fear of being pregnant came rushing back!
I had just been laid off. My son’s dad and I were not on good terms, but I still went through with the pregnancy. Who would have thought that my son would be born at 25 weeks (6 months) and spend the next 4 months in the hospital fighting for his life. I visited him every day and read stories at his bedside. I would go to the chapel every day and pray that you would save my son while other babies in the very same room were dying all around him. I wondered if you remembered my promise. I also wondered if you even knew me. I mean, I am the one who was a sinner! I wondered if prayer really worked. Sooooo many days things went wrong with my son’s health. Soooo many days the doctors told me he would not walk, run, or talk! I would just cry out and ask you to have mercy on me because I often wondered how much can one person bare? Well, we made it out of that hospital with heart monitors and oxygen, but the best thing was we were going home!!
Looking back now, I believe you were preparing me in that hospital for the rest of this journey that I am on now. It was dark and I faced the possibility of losing a child, but you spared me because ~ I truly believe you know how much I can bear. Financially I lost everything. Not being able to work and not having enough income, I couldn’t keep my apartment and we wound up in the projects. (Who would have thought?) I lost all of my furniture in a storage unit. I had to really start from scratch. After finding a good school where we lived (there are no accidents) I had my son tested for Autism, which I found out that he had. I was crushed, but determined to do whatever it took to make it better for him! I changed his diet to gluten free which is so expensive, but it works for him. I even had to learn sign language to better communicate with him. I attended speech therapies, physical therapies, and food/eating therapies.
But, most importantly I learned how to love. Who knew that I had so much love to give? I guess you knew all along. I am out of the projects *smiling*, lost about 30 lbs, and at 40 yrs young, I feel like life is more about the journey than the final destination. I truly can do all things through Christ who strengthens me! Sometimes what you are going through is not just for you, it’s also going to help someone else know that hey, if Felicia can make it then so can I! There were many nights when I wanted to end it! Many nights where I cried myself to sleep, but God, you gave me alllll of my joy back!! I have learned to trust you in everything that I do!!!! Who knows, there may be a husband on the way!! *wink*
Truly, I’ve come so far and as I look over my life, I now realize that you were there the entire time protecting me. It’s hard to see your hand at work in the midst of personal storms, but when we look back, it’s so clear that you never left us alone. For that I thank you and will always give you the praise.
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