“I told you that I don’t celebrate Christmas,” he growled, getting up from the bed and storming towards the bathroom.

“We don’t have to celebrate Christmas per se… we can simply go out to dinner,” I whined, sensing that I was on the losing side of this argument.

“Going to dinner on Christmas day,” he shouted from the bathroom, “is celebrating Christmas in my eyes and I told you that I don’t celebrate Christmas. Get it through your thick skull!”

I let out a heavy sigh to keep from crying. It was Christmas of 2003. I was never a big Christmas person who went into debt to purchase gifts, went overboard with decorations, or hooked up a banging Christmas dinner. I always went over to other people’s houses and ate their food. And I only bought presents for my closest relatives. But I did enjoy the “Christmas spirit” because people seem to be nicer during the holiday season. I knew that my boyfriend didn’t celebrate Christmas, but I did and I thought we could make a compromise. It was Christmas for crying out loud.

As I waited for him to return from the bathroom, I looked at his bare bedroom walls and longed for a brightly lit Christmas tree, mistletoe, or anything that reminded me of Christmas. In the midst of my longings, I heard him talking on his cell in the bathroom. I went to the door and cracked it open just enough to eavesdrop.

“Hey, Sharee! It’s me,” he said kind of giddy. “I was just calling to wish you and your family a Merry Christmas. Did you and your daughter get a lot of presents?”

My heart pounded. My ears burned as I clinched my fists. I couldn’t believe he had the audacity to take me through all of these changes over celebrating Christmas, yet called his ex-girlfriend to wish her a merry Christmas.

Just as I burst into the bathroom, he hung up the phone and stared at me like I was a crazy woman. I tried to yank the phone from his hand, but he shoved his forearm into my throat and pinned me against the cold tile on the bathroom walls.

“What the fuck is your problem?” he yelled at me.

I wanted to spit in his face, but I saw something in him that I had never seen before. His angry eyes were bright white, almost hollow. I felt like I was looking straight through him. I knew I had to get away from him because an eerie feeling came over me. I felt like I was his prey. I broke free from his hold and ran into the bedroom to gather my things.

I didn’t drive my car over to his house that day so I called my best friend to pick me up and take me home. Just as I explained the situation to my friend, my boyfriend charged at me like a raging bull and came smashing down upon the left side of my face with his large, bare knuckles. He hit me so hard that I dropped the phone and fell back on the bed, slamming my head against the wall. Everything went black for a second as I lay there on the bed trying to comprehend what just happened to me.

When I was finally able to sit up, his six foot 200 pounds frame was standing over top of me. His fists were balled. His nostrils flared as his shoulders heaved up and down with each deep breath he took. I cupped the left side of my jaw and checked for blood as tears streamed down my face. I couldn’t believe he did that to me. My face throbbed, but my soul ached like nothing I’ve ever experienced. I used to always hear my stepdad say that you should never hit a dog because you’ll break his spirit. I now knew what he meant because my boyfriend broke my spirit that day.

I knew that whatever bruises I sustained from that blow would eventually heal, but I wasn’t sure if my heart and my soul would heal. I felt violated because I trusted him and he hurt me. I mean really hurt me. I couldn’t bear to look at him. I was angry. I was hurt. I was scared.

After he apologized and begged for forgiveness, he drove me home. I slipped past my sister, and scurried up to my room so she wouldn’t see my swollen left eye. I was so ashamed. Things like this didn’t happen to women like me. I was educated, had a great job, and a “head on my shoulders.” This happened to weak women, not women like me. For two weeks, I avoided his phone calls. Finally, my sister asked what was wrong with me and why I wouldn’t take his calls. It took everything in me to tell her that he hit me.

“What!” she said, jumping up from the bed. “I will fuck him up. Who the hell does he think he is putting his hands on you?”

Telling my sister made me feel worse because she is such a strong person and she wouldn’t dare let a man put his hands on her. I wish I could’ve fought back like she would have.

This event pressed on me so much that it began affecting me at work. I couldn’t concentrate and I couldn’t stop crying. Finally, I sought help through the employee assistance program at work.

I didn’t want to talk to the therapist, but I knew I needed help. The therapist, this elderly light brown skinned African American woman with a petit frame, cut right to the chase.

“He hit you once, you know he’ll hit you again,” she said matter of factly.

I shook my head. “Well, he said he’ll never hit me again and that he’s really sorry. I just won’t get on his nerves as much.” I don’t know why I was lying to myself because he slapped me two days before the Christmas incident, but he apologized and I went back to him. He said he’d never hit me again and I believed him. I felt very stupid when he hit me again on Christmas.

“Young lady, you’re playing a very dangerous game. You need to go down to 11th Street and get a protective order against him. He means you no good.”

“I don’t think that’s necessary,” I shot back.

The therapist shook her head. “I’ve seen this scenario play out a thousand times and it’s rarely a pleasant ending. Shalena, a man doesn’t just one day up and punch a woman in the face the way he hit you. There was a build-up. That punch was the manifestation of something that’s been brewing for a while.”

I knew exactly what she meant, but I said nothing. She was right. He would always put me down by saying that I’m ugly and that I would look better if I were light skinned. He always told me that he wanted a light skinned woman on his arm so other men would be jealous of him and gawk at her. He had me so messed up over not being light enough for him that I started hating on light skinned chicks. Although I had a good job and was making good money, he would always say that I could do better. He used to hide my car keys so I couldn’t leave him or drive home. He would become angry if I surfed the Internet at night because he thought I was cheating.  He wanted me to come over to his place as soon as I got off of work—no stops in between. He hated when I attended political mixers and strongly discouraged me from supporting those kinds of events. He was also accusatory. In his mind, I was always cheating. He wanted me to be totally consumed with him and nothing else. He was always friendly and “affectionate” in front of his family and friends. To the outside world, it seemed as though I was the bitter girlfriend and he was the doting boyfriend because I’d always resist whenever he tried to playfully kiss me in front of his family.  If his family knew the truth, they’d know that I was upset with him because he shoved me or disrespected me in some way the day before. I began to notice that he was only violent and verbally abusive behind closed doors.

“Why do I keep going back to him?” I burst out in sobs during my session with the therapist.

Handing me a Kleenex, the therapist said, “It’s because you’ve seen this behavior before.”

She was right, my father used to beat the crap out of my mother and she’d always take him back. I had no idea that I was repeating what I witnessed as a little girl. I was repeating this vicious cycle and I didn’t even know it.

“Honey, you have to save your life. You have to get out of this relationship. If a man truly loves you, he won’t hit you.”

My sessions soon ended with the therapist and I eventually found the courage to sever all ties with my boyfriend. I realized that he had a problem and that I didn’t have to feel guilty for what he did to me. It took me some time to heal spiritually, but I got myself together.

From this experience, I’ve learned that iclereal men don’t hit women. I also learned that physical abuse almost always starts with verbal and mental abuse. Sometimes, those are the worst forms of abuse because they mess with your mind and your self esteem. Those kinds of relationships are toxic and deadly. I also learned that physical abuse does not have a face, color, or socioeconomic status. Any woman can fall victim to domestic violence. Many times, looking in from the outside, a woman can appear to have it all, but when she has low self esteem, she finds herself tolerating a lot of things that she wouldn’t normally tolerate if she thought more highly of herself. There are some women who only need a man to look as if he’ll hit her and she’s either busting him upside the head with a frying pan or calling the cops before she dumps his sorry behind. But when you find yourself tolerating the abuse, you really need to take inventory of your self esteem like I had to. After I got out of that relationship, I spent a lot of time building myself back up.

Ladies, we have to look into that D.I.V.A mirror and determine what we are worth and what we want in our lives. Remember, life will only give you what you demand of it.

Are or were you in an abusive relationship? Do you know anyone who is or was in an abusive relationship? What did you/they do? What lessons did you/they learn? Please share your story because you could help someone reading this blog. Your story could help set them free.

If you are in this situation, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1.800.799.SAFE (7233) 1.800.787.3224 (TTY)
Anonymous & Confidential Help 24/7. You can also visit the website at www.ndvh.org.

Also, if you know of any resources that someone in this situation can utilize, please list them.

Be blessed,


P.S. Remember, everything has beauty—including YOU. It just takes a true D.I.V.A to see it!

© 2010, Shalena D.I.V.A. – Personal Branding| Content Marketing| Product Creation. All rights reserved.


  1. […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by ShalenaD.I.V.A. ShalenaD.I.V.A said: Ladies, have you or someone you know ever been in an abusive relationship? If so, read my latest blog entry http://dld.bz/bN2N […]

  2. PR1869 on May 24, 2010 at 7:14 am

    Why would you allow such behavior? I think that you really need help.

    • Shalenadiva on May 24, 2010 at 7:38 am

      Paris, did you read the entire essay? I did seek help and I no longer accept that kind of behavior. When women do not know their worth, they tend to accept many things they would not ordinarily accept. I’m not ashamed of this experience and I don’t mind sharing it if it means I can help another woman. Thank you for visiting my blog.

      Be blessed!

  3. Devon Greene on May 25, 2010 at 7:35 am

    Wow, Paris what a statement. As women, we all have found ourselves in situations that may have not been the best for us. You heal, learn from it, and move on. For you to make a statement like that makes me wonder if your the one that needs help.

  4. Elaine on May 26, 2010 at 1:18 pm


    I applaud you for your transparency. There are many women that wouldn’t share this experience for fear of judgement. However, you chose to dig deeper and I say thanks for sharing this triumphant story. Many women will be inspired and encouraged to perhaps look at their true worth and begin to make decisions that reflect their worth.

    @Paris, we “all need help” in one aspect or another. Let’s continue to pray for the self esteem of woman all over the world and celebrate Shalena for sharing this remarkable eye opening story and prayerfully we never find ourselves in this same situation.

    Remember whose you are and who you are!
    Be Blessed

    EB White

    • ShalenaD.I.V.A on May 26, 2010 at 4:31 pm

      Elaine, thank you for the support! If most women were honest with themselves, they could easily recall a moment inwhich they are ashamed. But the beauty of growth lies in the fact that mature women use experiences as steppingstones to make better decisions. As the old folks say, “I won’t be found in this way again!” I’ve learned so much from this experience and I will continue to tell this story if it means I’ll be able to help another woman recognize her worth.

      Paris, I will pray for you because any person with an ounce of compassion in their hearts wouldn’t have said what you said. Your comment was mean spirited. I intended for this blog to be a place of refuge for women. I welcome honesty and all opinions, but ignorance and mean spiritedness is unacceptable. I’m able to handle your comment, but someone else may not be able to do so. Women are telling many of these stories for the first time and are anxious about the responses they’ll receive because they don’t want to be judged. Let’s support each other and help one another–not tear each other down.

      Be blessed!

  5. Mike on September 27, 2010 at 6:12 am

    Its goes both ways too though. I’m not condoning it, but he probabay had low or even lower self esteem than you did. He prolly thought tht the more time spent away from him you were finding someone who was better, smarter,etc. He clung on to you the only way he knew how, with violence and abuse. I’ve seen it before.

    • ShalenaD.I.V.A on September 27, 2010 at 6:51 am

      MIke, I think… no, I know you’re on point with this one. This person was involved in a horrible accident that left him disfigured. AS a result, I think his self esteem was terribly low during the time we dealt with each other. Excellent point and by no means did I think you were condoning his behavior.

      Thanks for commenting.

  6. Jenn Laws on March 28, 2011 at 11:33 pm

    Thank you for sharing this story… I could relate to so many parts. Especially about being educated and not expecting to have to go thru anything like this so many people think that you are weak if you are a victim but its not true. Most woman become victims of the environment they were raised in. Unhealthy relationships exist from childhood which carry over to adults. I am happy that you found the courage to first get help and leave. Thank you for sharing your story!

  7. dmo on April 2, 2011 at 9:18 am

    So glad you got yourself out of that situation. Listen I don’t get the males (not men) that put their hands on women, maybe its a mental disorder or something. Ladies he’s not worth it, he doesn’t love you, and your love you have for him is completely fabricated for you to stay with this, or go back to it. There is no excuse in this world that is applicable that warrants any abuse; mental or physical. There is no d*ck good enough, no man fine enough, no money long enough, even if you have nothing because you’re totally dependent on him; it’s no excuse for you to accept this in any form. You are better than that, you deserve way more than you think you do. Material gifts are not not an exchange for black eyes. This really f*cks with me because I believe women need to arm themselves, so when this fool decides to threaten your life you can pop a hot one in his ass.

  8. Bridget on May 10, 2011 at 5:22 pm

    I remember the first time I was hit by a man……I have two sons by this jerk….I got out of the relationship right away I had a hard time getting rid of him …he would break in my house in the middle of the night and harass me because I… didn’t want him anymore my family was ready to kill him….I was 21 years old with two sons and this man thought he was going to beat on me because I found out he was seeing someone else and she was pregnant also so I didn’t want him any more so I guess he felt rejected I moved to another state for two years to get him out of my life….he now has ten children by three women and he physically abused them…I never saw anyone hit my mother so I knew nothing about getting whipped by no man, but on the otha hand his dad would fight his mom…His mom thought I was supposed to take it and be quite….My uncle told him if he ever hit me again he would kill his plus I pressed charges against him and went to court and told the judge about it…a month later I relocated for a while,,,but I am just not the one….and I have taught my daughter the same if a man needs something to punch he betta go get a dam punching bag!

    • ShalenaD.I.V.A on May 10, 2011 at 5:38 pm

      @Bridget–Girl, I’m glad you got away from him and took care of your kids. I’m also glad that you had a family to support you, too. Many women don’t have that support or they hide the abuse because they are embarrassed. I’m glad you survived and that you’re teaching your daughter not to tolerate it at all.

    • Debbie on May 10, 2011 at 5:59 pm

      Oh wow. Bridget. When we Think we are the only ones. Hearing or should I say Reading your Story I Remember more. And they all are the Same Just Not The Same Man

  9. Kissy on May 10, 2011 at 5:23 pm

    Very kind of you to share this story. And yes, If a man hits you once he will hit you again.

  10. Kissy on May 10, 2011 at 5:23 pm

    I was talking a a friend the other day about abusive men. They are just deep down evil people. You can see the evil in their eyes when they turn on you. Most women they will hit but even they will meet a woman some day that they won’t hit. It’s very weird..

    • ShalenaD.I.V.A on May 10, 2011 at 5:40 pm

      AsK-Kissy.com You’re right. I used to see the look in his guys and it was scary. And you’re also right that they won’t hit on some women. That makes the abuse woman feel even worse like what’s wrong with me that i deserved that… they say it’s anger issues– I think it’s also selfd esteem issues for men

  11. Gene on May 10, 2011 at 5:24 pm

    @Shalena & all ladies present! This is coming from a man directly to u! I was born from a woman, raised by that woman, given joy, protection, guidance, love, an education, advice, DISCIPLINE (she didn’t spare the rod! My behind still hurts… to remember) & most of all All OF Her LOVE!! I watched my mother go through the motions of being a single parent! She never showed us how difficult it was! I never asked what happened to her & my fathers marriage but she once told me he put his hands on her ONCE & she lost her ever loving mind on him & that was the last time! She kicked him out! That’s that!! Knowing how special a lady is, being nurtured & raised by a woman I don’t see how a man can hit a woman. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been with a couple of women that caused me to curse them out because of their combative personality, that didn’t make me feel proud but they wouldn’t let me walk away. They wanted the situation to get worse. Even si I couldn’t think of hitting them. I couldn’t live with that & my mother would kill me! A woman is to be loved, provided for & protected! I love all women & honor them! If a man hits u he is not a man! I have stepped in on DV a coupe of times because I believe if he wants to hit her, I’ll take her place because I’m hitting back, never let a man touch u violently! Once he does, get away! Don’t stay! He doesn’t love u, he’s disturbed! Love urself first! & to all victims of DV I apologize for what u went through & happy u all survived! I hold in my memory those that lost their lives to DV! Hold ur head high & stand proud! I love u all!!

    • ShalenaD.I.V.A on May 10, 2011 at 5:39 pm

      @Gene–that was soooo nice. Thank you! Your words meant alot. I’m sure the ladies will appreciate them because I know they came from your heart!

    • Debbie on May 10, 2011 at 5:45 pm

      Gene. You are A Real Man. We need more like you. Thanks and God Bless you.

  12. Nicole on May 10, 2011 at 5:25 pm

    I was transported back to the situation I was in while reading your
    story. I am a SURVIVOR of DV and proud of it. Why? because I learned so many things about myself since I left that situation. . I am who God says I am, not who he tried to …tell me I was ..stupid, dumb, a bitch, a slut, a ho..2. I am a much stronger person than I think, because to go through the things I went through and still be here I have to STRONG! 3. God has a plan for my life because my abuser choked me till I passed out on several occasions and I am still standing.btw that’s they way a lot of victims die, from choking by their abusers 4.If someone tells you they love you, they would never put their hands on YOU in a violent way. 5. My story is important because there are a lot of women out there who face this everyday and have no where to turn, no one to talk to and if they get help a lot of times return to the vicious cycle, I am educating myself to help these ladies leave and stay gone. 6.I also learned that self-love is important but there is no greater love than the love of GOD!! HALLELUJAH!!! If somebody is reading this and are going through please believe when I tell you, you have choices, you have options and you can do anything you put your mind too. Leaving is the first step toward your new future. I have been there and believe me I know now.

    • ShalenaD.I.V.A on May 10, 2011 at 5:39 pm

      @Nicole–what an awesome testimony. I think some people are still uncomfortable talking about dv, but it doesn’t make it disappear. IT can happen to anyone, even men. The sad part is if we don’t address it head on, more women and men may die. This is sad…

      • Nicole on May 10, 2011 at 5:46 pm

        I know I often felt ashamed to tell anybody, but that’s what the abuser wants you not to do is tell, at least that’s how mine was. He did not want any of my people to know because he didn’t want to look bad in their eyes..SMH!! I think the …longer I kept his secret the more he thought it was acceptable to do it. If anybody should have been ashamed it should have been him. It would run me hot to see him act so ugly toward me and then turn around and be so nice to someone else and I couldn’t figure out why? I know now that it wasn’t me, it was him. He would do things like fight me and then fo out and buy me a car or fight me and then bring me jewlery..blood gifts..my blood. I thank God for deliverance!! Shalena check your inbox when you get a chance.

        • ShalenaD.I.V.A on May 10, 2011 at 5:50 pm

          @Nicole– my ex boyfriend used to do this to me, too. He would act nice and sweet around everyone else and then treat me like crap. He owuld make others think I didn;t want to be bothered because he’d try to kiss or hug me after he punched me in the face. Ladies, those are signs that you should get out of that sutaution asap! I will check my inbox. 🙂

          • Nicole on May 10, 2011 at 5:58 pm

            I know what you mean, all my ex’s friends thought he was just the greatest guy ever created and half of them would also tell me how crazy they knew he was but that was crazy “ha ha he crazy”not mentally unstable (which I believe he was) they didn’t know what a monster he really was. Image seemed to be so important.

  13. Elana on May 10, 2011 at 5:26 pm

    Shalena bless God that you are away from that mess. I use to watch my aunt get beat all the time while watching her kids for her at a young age. Her and her man would just get drunk and fight. This was enough for me. I promised myself that…… I would never be with a guy that raised his hand to me. And I haven’t. I can’t stand that. Yet, I went through mental torment. I will just say to those that are in that situation…get out! Ask God to help you, He doesn’t want you in that
    type of situation. Be strong and courageous.

  14. Debbie on May 10, 2011 at 5:29 pm

    Yes Alot of it is what we see in our Childhood.but not in My Case. But I Lived That Life. For 17 years. Until God knew I Was Wanting Out!

  15. Jamella on May 10, 2011 at 5:29 pm

    Ok so wat do you say about the young lady tht wasn’t in an abusive home growing up she gets in a domestic violence situation and then goes back to the same man

    • ShalenaD.I.V.A on May 10, 2011 at 5:38 pm

      @Jamella- I think it may be an issue of low self esteem or a need to feel as though she needs to be with this man no matter what. Although I grew up in an abusive household, I still suffered from the things I mentioned which could’ve made …me more susceptible. BUt I think some women feel as if they can’t do better than their current situation and choose to go back. I wish more women commented because my commetns are based upon my own experience. What do you think is at issue?

      • Jamella on May 10, 2011 at 6:02 pm

        I don’t knw thts y I was asking for suggestions and urs were good I wish more women responded also…how can we help ourselves if we keep our experiences to ourselves to help someone else out so they don’t make the same mistakes.

        • ShalenaD.I.V.A on May 10, 2011 at 6:06 pm

          @Jamella-I think it’s because there is still a stigma attached to dv. I will get some of my dv advocates to comment. They may have more insight!

  16. Rod on May 10, 2011 at 5:30 pm

    @Shalena & all present – Man’s natural & God-given place is as “Protector”. Ladies anytime a man displays behavior that’s not consistent with that role need to be corrected (it can be as small as opening a door or walking on the street-sid…e when walking W/you – let him kno what’s acceptable & what’s not, early on – this will establish the pattern 4 the relationship) “PEOPLE HAVE PATTERNS”. It’s critical to communicate early on “WHAT YOUR EXPECTATIONS ARE” – This is a Guy Rule “If we want to get w/you we will adjust our behavior accordingly. 1 of my best relationships started w/my soon 2b girlfriend (@ the time) letting me know that we wouldn’t have sex the 1st 60 days of courting. This established her as different, let me know that she liked me a lot & let me know what the expectations were – I loved it. In normal situations a Man is raised to LOVE & PROTECT the woman. Early on in the dating process try to pickup on how his relationship is like w/his Mom without necessarily asking directly – How dose he speak of her. The 1st 5 years of my marriage I washed clothes, bcause I didn’t want my wife 2b out in the evening @ the laundry mat – I would never have my Mom out @ dark – Becasue my job is to protect her. A man has 2 know he CANNOT put his hands on U. Hope this helps some…

  17. Rod on May 10, 2011 at 5:32 pm

    …also – Ladies this setting expectation thing – You’re already doing it with your sons. So its already programmed in our mind (“normally”)to find out what’s required to make the woman/mom happy. I’ve tlk’d 2 other female friends who date…d men who didn’t have a affectionate relationship w/their Mom. One in particular involved a guy who early on had to b the man of the house growing up, so his relationship w/his mom was more “transactional” – meaning he pays this bill, solves that problem & everybody’s happy. In his adult relationship this turned N2 I bought dinner so let’s have sex w/no romance or intimacy. It drove my female friend crazy, because she craved the intimacy (even thou she Njoy’d the sex). We nicknamed him Spock (Star Trek), cause he didn’t know how to show emotions – something else my female friend craved – he never had a clue. Most of my guys friends I can tell which ones have a emotional connection w/their Mom and which ones didn’t. I could also tell the difference in their relationships. People have Patterns – “Observe” & get 2 know their patterns. Any man can say “I Love you” (& nowdaze, guys know HOW 2 USE THAT PHRASE AS A TOOL) 4 get what they say – Love is a Deed (action). Love in deed not in just word alone. Hope this helps… R ~

  18. Shalena D.I.V.A. on May 10, 2011 at 5:46 pm

    Yes, ladies like no one else will want you so you’re better off with him. It’s like they break you down to “build you up” and make you think that only he can make you feel better about you. Man, if you’re not careful, you will believe so ma…ny lies. When you finally hear and realize the truth, it may take some time for it to resonate and sink it because youhave to unlearn all the negative things you allowed yourself to believe.

  19. Debbie on May 10, 2011 at 5:48 pm

    So True. IT Has Been 20 years Since I got out with The Help of God. I Stood up to this person and told him I love him but I was Not In Love and I knew in me Something Very Bad Would Happen if I Stayed And I Prayed To be Free in my mind and Body.I Can Only Thank God For Everything. Please Ladies Ask For His Help He. WILL!

  20. Bridget on May 10, 2011 at 5:52 pm

    I have six brothers all younger than me that I had to take care of I use to whip them when they were bad lol….now what I look like allowing a man to beat on me….I am just “that girl” to all my family everyone thinks highy of me and I have always got that extra special attention..So blessed! But everyday is still a challenge I work hard for everything I have.

  21. Shalena D.I.V.A. on May 10, 2011 at 5:58 pm

    This convo could go on and on… so many things to discuss. I’m glad we continued it because although many didn;t comment, so many more will read it. It stays up here forever and people do read my You’d be surprised! I want to help build others up and that threatens some people. I try to stay open minded because I’ve been through alot and I’ve learned to be compassionate. That’s my style. I find it phony to be any other way. Folks try their best not to support me, but that’s a ok! This is God’s vision and assignment and no one will come between that. Thanks for supporting me and helping to lift others up.

  22. nicole on May 10, 2011 at 6:03 pm

    It’s definitely a process to “unlearn” the negative. I kept thinking I don’t recall seeing “bitch” anywhere on my birth certificate but I did remember the love God has for Jesus and I knew he had for me and I needed to learn to love myself…. I stay in my bible and my statuses confirm what God says I am through scripture. I practice meditation and affirmations, that’s what helped and is still helping me. Whenever I am going through something I tell myself “This too shall pass” and anything worth having is worth working for. I refuse to go through all the things I went through and not give back to the one who brought me out. Today..I decide how I feel, nobody can pull my strings or dictate an emotion to me and I choose to be HAPPY! Now don’t get me wrong, this didn’t happen overnight this took time to get to this point but I didn’t do it by myself. GOD DID IT!!

    • ShalenaD.I.V.A on May 10, 2011 at 6:06 pm

      ‎@Nicole– POWERFUL—->>>>”It’s definitely a process to “unlearn” the negative. I kept thinking I don’t recall seeing “bitch” anywhere on my birth certificate but I did remember the love God has for Jesus and I knew he had for me and I needed to learn to love myself….”

  23. www.shalenadiva.com via Facebook on March 7, 2012 at 12:02 pm

    I had to add the part in there about the women abusers because they are out there, too. It’s not just the men hitting on women these days.

  24. Nicole Stith via Facebook on March 7, 2012 at 12:03 pm

    Not only am I a believer in “if he hits you once he will do it again” I am a witness to it!! This is a real close and personal topic for me being that I went through it and now a person who is near and dear to my heart has decided to go back to her “he only hit me once” marriage.

  25. Erica Carameldelight Sanders via Facebook on March 7, 2012 at 12:07 pm

    Once they say…I promise i”m not gonna hit u again……u better believe it they will…..it”s better for u to leave before it”s too late…..

  26. He’ll only stop, at maturity!!!

  27. Mysti Prettynpink Skinner via Facebook on March 7, 2012 at 12:40 pm

    Once someone hits you and you don’t leave them (male or female),You have just given them the control over you and the power they crave. They won’t stop and even if they get help(which the probably won’t), it is a compulsion that they can not control in themselves. Some time may pass between the beatings and then something will push their button and the beatings will start again. We that have been abused need to learn to love ourselves more and leave the abusive relationships. One beating is another step towards possibly ending up dead.

  28. Mysti Prettynpink Skinner via Facebook on March 7, 2012 at 12:47 pm

    @nicole, my best friend was in a relationship that was very abusive and not only to her but her babies also. She almost lost her kids behind the relationship and I wanted to kill this man but she allowed him to have this control over her and I could do nothing to stop it. I was there to support her and lend a shoulder to cry on as needed(which was often). Be there for your friend,Pray and pray harder for your friend,And pray that she learns to love self first and choses to leave before it ends tragically. @ Eric, you are so right if they say they will never do it again,You can most definitely believe he or she will.

  29. www.shalenadiva.com via Facebook on March 7, 2012 at 12:48 pm

    So true Mysti Prettynpink Skinner. A counselor told me that most people who act like this have a compulsion and usually can’t help themselves when the urge rises. This doesn’t excuse them, but it helps the abused to understand the gravity of the situation. The crazy thing is one day, they could go too far.

  30. Nicole Stith via Facebook on March 7, 2012 at 1:00 pm

    @Mysti..Thank you for your adivce, I think it would be easier for me to accept were it just a friend..unfortunately it’s my daughter who knows all that I went through when I was going through my personal hell, not because she was there but because she saw the aftermath. All I can do is pray that she is able to walk away when the time comes. Her spouse has a history of not being able to control his temper from when he was a child all the signs are there and right now they are on the honeymoon period..the one where it’s all good because I just came back so he will be on his best behavior until that monster rears his ugly head..Keep me in your prayers that I remain level headed and don’t catch a case and keep her in your prayers that she will be able to leave.

  31. Jeneal Gonzales via Facebook on March 7, 2012 at 1:07 pm

    I think the women have super low self esteem to stay in an abusive relationship. A man has one chance with me. If you love yourself u won’t let anyone treat u worse than u treat yourself

  32. Jeneal Gonzales via Facebook on March 7, 2012 at 1:12 pm

    Its a problem that this should even be a question. It should be common sense to know that if someone is doggin u out u don’t need to be with them, no if ands or buts about it. It makes me sad how desperate some women are with low self esteem.I hate it when women play the victim role as if they don’t choose who to date. They need serious help and a self esteem boost

  33. www.shalenadiva.com via Facebook on March 7, 2012 at 1:17 pm

    Very true Jeneal Gonzales– but sooo many woman stay..

  34. Jeneal Gonzales via Facebook on March 7, 2012 at 1:22 pm

    Cause they have low self esteem. That’s y. Women r becoming more and more pathetic/desperate by the minute. A man work at mcdonalds, only have a high school diploma, no goals, rude, call you a bitch every other mintue and hit u, and the dumbbed down desperate women will stay. The funny part is that they complain that there not a lot of good men. What incentive do men have to be a good men when the dumbbed down women will stay with them reguardless

  35. Audrey Brooks-Thomas via Facebook on March 7, 2012 at 1:34 pm

    I won’t say that if they hit you once, they will hit you again because anyone can change if they should so desire to make the change but I do know that when he hit me once he never had a chance to hit me again because that was the end of the relationship. I had already established that boundary at the beginning of the relationship. I watched my mom and dad go through this and I told my mom that I would never have a man that hits me and I stuck to it. I did love him but I loved me and my children more.

  36. Nicole Stith via Facebook on March 7, 2012 at 1:35 pm

    I’m curious to know what word was used before “self-esteem” this wasn’t a word I heard growing up until I was in my 30’s. I was a woman who grew up privileged and with the best of everything, told by perfect strangers how beautiful I was and didn’t really have a problem with anyone. I fell in love with somebody who didn’t love themselves and I kept constantly thinking I was proving how much I loved him by staying there in that bull. That was a condition that was built in..that no matter what you stay! I believed my self esteem was intact, I wasn’t desperate..I was in love. Domestic Violence has been going on for centuries and I have a problem believing that every woman who is in that situation is “desperate” or lacking “selfp-esteem” …I didn’t need sympathy..I needed prayer!!

  37. www.shalenadiva.com via Facebook on March 7, 2012 at 1:39 pm

    True Jeneal Gonzales, but it’s not like you go tot he store and buy low self esteem, It comes from somewhere. I pity these women because they learned this behavior somewhere along their life journey. I try to educate and uplift because low self esteem will cause people to do strange things.

  38. Audrey Brooks-Thomas via Facebook on March 7, 2012 at 1:44 pm

    Nicole Stith, I agree with you about the self-esteem part. Although it may be that for some women, I don’t think that is true for all women, I think it’s more of a nurturing thing for some. They just want to take care of someone and this person happens to be there and they feel they have to be there for them because everyone else is against them, so she wants to be the one constant in their life and maybe just maybe they will change. That is how I felt about him but when he raised his hand to me that was the deal breaker.

  39. Cheryle Clarke via Facebook on March 7, 2012 at 1:45 pm

    I work with victims of domestic violence. If he hit you once, he WILL hit you again. Get Smart, Get Help, Get Out, Stay Out!

  40. Kali L S Washington via Facebook on March 7, 2012 at 1:48 pm

    Hmmmm…great point Nicole.

    Not sure how I’d play this one. Depending on the relationship and the incident, I would consider staying if he were willing to get help and I’m not talking about telling me you’re going to get help, but actually seeing a professional. Now this may mean a temporary separation during this process.

  41. Shannon Porter via Facebook on March 7, 2012 at 1:53 pm

    Again this is another reason I’m single. I refuse to be hit out of anger, frustration or just for the Hell of it!!!!!! I’m a very strong and independent to a point and I will act like a woman with nothing to loose and show him that I’m the wrong one to hit on. Tina Turner “What’s Love Got To Do With It?” Oh yeah my momma always told me, “If he’s bad enough to hit you… hit his *%! back!!!!!!”

  42. Nicole Stith via Facebook on March 7, 2012 at 1:53 pm

    Audrey Brooks-Thomas which it should always be..that’s my standpoint on DV, don’t give that person a chance to do it again, hoping they will change, see the light, realize you are the only woman for them etc. etc. whatever your excuse may be. You just can’t put all abusive situations into the same box and say that’s why this happened because there are too many nuances to each situation. Now I’m not an expert, I just happen to be one of the statistics and I don’t know all women who have been through it stories..I know my story and I’m just saying the perspectives that have been expressed have surprised me but not shocked me. Women tend to be less “sympathetic” toward other women blaming it on this and that…screw the blame..I’m embracing each one of my sisters who have come through the fire and telling them “I’m sorry that happened to you and YOU don’t deserve that” #lovenotjudge

  43. Erica Carameldelight Sanders via Facebook on March 7, 2012 at 2:01 pm

    But what really kills me……when they say” Well, he loves me or she loves me…….i”m from Mississippi and i”m gonna say this: it AIN”T that much love in the dam world for any man or woman to get their a** beat by their partner….

  44. Idahosa Cecey via Facebook on March 7, 2012 at 2:01 pm

    My mind kip telling me it wont work,bt i ill kip ar in my prayers,is so diff 4 sm piple 2 let go…..

  45. www.shalenadiva.com via Facebook on March 7, 2012 at 2:03 pm

    I wish for the best, too, Idahosa Cecey

  46. Audrey Brooks-Thomas via Facebook on March 7, 2012 at 2:09 pm

    I agree with you Nicole Stith. And Idahosa, it is hard to let go but a person has to at some point feel like they are worth more than a lick up side the head or better yet bruises that he knows how to hide…meaning he knows where to hit you so they are not easily seen…and I keep saying he because I can not speak for men only myself as a woman.

  47. Davina Rigby via Facebook on March 7, 2012 at 2:35 pm

    Please stop talking about Chris and Rihanna and making them the poster board for domestic violence. It’s REALLY getting and old and is sooooo infuriating. Every man/women are not the same so who REALLY knows what will happen in future? That’s right NO ONE!!

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