Backstory:As the battle continued to break the chains of the demons of abuse and control, the final straw came after I was raped one evening. My children were with a sitter and my mother arrived and took them into her care. She informed me I had no visitation or anything until a hearing came due. Authorities had thrown me into a solitary confinement cell awaiting my statement so juvenile was contacted regarding my children. Three days after my rape, my mother had obtained guardianship of my children with no notice of hearings or anything served to me. I was devastated and later learned that the county in which we reside had been doing this for years. Innocent children had become bank ledgers for corrupt judges and lawyers. After a 3 year long battle, the county has been completely reconstructed. I won the battle for my kids fighting Pro Se and traveling on to the Supreme Court. After this last battle, my mother gave her heart to Jesus. My children are healing from the isolation and many children were returned home where they belong. Everything in my life has been a battle it seems, but God had a plan the whole time. Not to just free my family, but many others. I am so privileged and blessed to have been used by him to see this work accomplished. I did a lot of undercover and advocate work to obtain this victory…God gives us strength even in our suffering. This poem was born out of this experience.
STRONGER THAN THE PAIN
Got up this morning and looked in your beds, just blankets and pillows and no pretty heads….
The swallow is hard and my eyes start to tear…reality calls to remind me you’re
I shut out the pain and try to catch my breath…I look at all your things and
that’s all I have left….
No laughter or noise, no breakfast to cook, no papers to sign, no morning search
for your books….
No demanding that you match and that your teeth are all brushed.
No tying up your shoes so you don’t fall or trip, no demanding that you stop
And give me a kiss…..
No dropping you off in the front of the school, no jamming the radio so your friends think you’re cool…..
No screaming and fighting over the front seat, no whining or crying due to lack of good sleep…..
No meetings, no errands, no reason to cook, no snuggling up on the couch to read a book….
No reason to be home right after school, checking to make sure you get your tummy’s full….
No fighting over chores ‘cause there’s none to do, no laundry to wash as it all belonged to you….
No traffic in and out, wanting to go play…all there is now is this burning hurt and pain….
Crying a lot and angry even more, I’d trade the whole world to see you walk through our front door.
What will I do without a hug from you, first thing in the morning, and after school too?
Who do I mother and who do I father, now that you’re living with your grandmother?
I need you with me or I can’t even sleep. You’re my blankets and pillows and my sweetest dreams.
Who will pray with me right before bed? Who will make me laugh because of something that you said?
Who will be my purpose to keep keeping on? Why would I return home now that everything is gone?
Everything is you and what you are to me, you’re the air in my lungs that allows me to breathe.
I’m praying you’re safe and happy too…as long as your good…I will be too…
Linked in our souls since the day you were born…you growing in me and I grow up for you…
So many mistakes, yet so much good too….I pray for your minds to never be confused…Never doubt my love or the way that I miss you. Carry it close for it shall always be the truth. They can take away time and love still remains…Hold your head high babies…
….. .WE MUST BE STRONGER THAN THIS PAIN!!!!
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