I’m a big advocate of giving back and sharing wealth.  I know that my successes in life have come in large part due to the help of people around me.  So I give my time and my money to community projects that I believe will improve the lives of others.  I’m sure many of you feel the same.  And thanks to websites like www.charitynavigator.org and www.guidestar.org, we are able to evaluate the legitimacy and effectiveness of charitable organizations before we write our checks.

 But what do you do when it’s not charity that is requesting financial assistance.  What do you do when a friend or family member needs some funds?  Many of you have received calls from loved ones asking for some financial help: “Just a little bit until I get to pay day” or “This deal is a sure thing!  I’ll pay you back double your money!”  They’re probably just asking for a loan rather than an outright donation so there’s less risk, right? 

 It may be difficult, but in this situation, you may have to think more like a bank and less like a family member or friend.  I’m not suggesting you run a credit check or request collateral if it’s a small amount of money.  But you do need to think about who you are lending your money to and how that person treats his or her money.  If you find that you’re a little stressed out when someone asks you for money, consider some basic information that you should think about when you’re considering lending money to loved ones. 

  1.  Don’t lend more than you can afford to lose.  Realize that when you make a personal loan to a friend or family member, you may not get that money back.  If your cousin asks you for $5,000 and you know you need that money in three months so you can pay your son’s tuition bill, you have no business lending that money to anyone. 
  2. Money can destroy a good relationship.  Here’s the basic truth: People lose their mind when it comes to money.  Seriously.  People have killed friends and family over money. That best friend you’ve known since you were in diapers may stop taking your calls when you start asking for that loan back.  Consider the ramifications of lending before you hand that money over.
  3. Think about who is borrowing the money and why they are borrowing the money.  Is it your responsible best friend who just needs a little extra to get out of a jam?  Or is it your deadbeat brother who has never repaid a loan in his life?  If the borrower will be return in a few months for more funds and there’s no sign of repayment down the road, consider confronting that person about their money issues rather than just throwing money at an unsustainable situation.  I know the borrower doesn’t want to hear a lecture but you won’t improve anyone’s situation by being an enabler.
  4. If you are serious about getting your money back, determine a reasonable interest rate and draw up an agreement.    I’ve watched enough episodes of Judge Judy to know that if you try to get your money returned to you, a family member’s response may be, “What?  I thought it was a gift!”  Drafting an agreement that all parties understand can minimize confusion and future dishonesty by either party.  If the person is offended that you want an agreement, just explain that your accountant or tax advisor or financial advisor insists that you put these things in writing.  Also remember that there may be tax implications so you may need to consult www.irs.gov, an accountant or an attorney.
  5. Finally, if you don’t what to deal with lending money to people close to you, make it a rule to never lend money to friends and family.  People WILL be mad about your rule but at least you won’t be accused of playing favorites.  Just shut everyone out.  Decide that you will not be swayed when family members talk about your big, fancy job and your big, fat paycheck and how much they’re struggling.  Your money has nothing to do with them.  It’s not their money and they aren’t entitled to it just because they know you.  I know this is harsh but it may be the right option for you. 

 And if you are the borrower, consider what you’re doing when you ask someone for money.  Do you actually intend to pay that person back?  Are you willing to damage relationships by mistreating someone else’s money? 

 I realize that relationships are complicated and it’s not easy to refuse help to people you love and care about.  But try to remember the bigger picture.  If lending money is going to worsen your situation and/or the borrower’s situation, think twice before you open your wallet.  And it’s not just a question of whether you can spare the money.  You should also think about whether you are allowing a person to continue making poor money decisions.  Just as you would not want to supply drugs or alcohol to an addict or a bacon double cheeseburger to a person with heart disease, be careful about lending money to people with serious financial issues.  Think about whether there are better ways to help that person.

 People don’t like to be told what to do, especially when it comes to money.  But remember that money problems often stem from much deeper psychological issues and emotional issues and perhaps that person needs assistance that does not involve you and your ATM card.  But smart about lending your money to loved ones and don’t be afraid to say “no.”

Kimberly Allman, Esq. is a financial planner and the President of Allman Financial Planning, LLC where she assists individuals who are seeking to improve their financial health. She is also the Manager of Homeownership Preservation for the New York Mortgage Coalition where she provides assistance to homeowners in distress through seminars, informational workshops and one-on-one counseling. She started her career as a corporate lawyer where she advised clients on a variety of investment products including hedge funds, mutual funds, structured products and real estate investment trusts.

© 2015, Shalena D.I.V.A. – Personal Branding| Content Marketing| Product Creation. All rights reserved.


  1. […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by ShalenaD.I.V.A, ShalenaD.I.V.A. ShalenaD.I.V.A said: Lending With Your Heart and Your Head by Kim Allman: I’m a big advocate of giving… http://goo.gl/fb/eDSFp Be blessed! […]

  2. ShalenaD.I.V.A on July 15, 2010 at 3:03 pm

    Excellent advice! I’m going to post this article on my Facebook page. I’ve seen so many families fall apart over money. It’s very sad.

  3. Shalena D.I.V.A. on May 10, 2011 at 10:50 am

    I recently loaned a friend some money and I will never loan money to them again. I understand that we all get into pinches at times and need some help here and there. I get that and I am willing to help. But what I don’t like is that people… will hound you down, go to the ends of the earth to find you so they can get that money, but you never hear from them again. I think that is rude and selfish. I mean, can I get a hello, thanks for that money, I’ll pay as soon as things turn around—something. But no, I haven’t heard from this person since. SMH

    • Michelle on May 10, 2011 at 11:15 am

      thats really sad well you will get blessed ten times over.

  4. Eku on May 10, 2011 at 10:51 am

    Sum ppl won mention when they u.it’s better 2 give it out as a gift.sum ppl pay their loans others won’t.

  5. Reanader on May 10, 2011 at 10:51 am

    I only loan to one person now i felt people took advantage of my kindness my aunt would stop speaking to me if i didnt loan her money so i had to just stop it all together

  6. Rochelle on May 10, 2011 at 10:52 am

    I tell them im on a fixed income and its fixd for my needs only!!!*lol*j/k sorta*never a borrower or lender b*im just sayn*u may as well just give it to them*if they borrowin it*9 times outta 10 they cant pay it back*just let it b a blessin*this way u wont trip about getn it back*then sit back and wait on GOD to bless U 4 bein a blessn 2 them….yuppppp

  7. Felicia on May 10, 2011 at 10:53 am

    I’m not a big fan of loaning money b/c not everyone is gud with paying back, but I do have a single mom friend that I trust, but it’s no more than about 30.00. As a single mom, I know it can get tough in between checks!! 🙂

  8. Monique on May 10, 2011 at 10:58 am

    My grandfather would always say “If you can’t afford to just GIVE them the money they are asking for, then DONT loan it. Because it is a great possibility that you won’t get it back” I didn’t take his advice and I loaned my younger sister s…ome money to help her out, because she have a toddler, but I had to ask my mom to conceive her all over again, (LOL) because she did a disappearing act. She didn’t answer my phone calls, my text messages, and she even deleted me off FB! So now if someone else needed to borrow money from me I will follow my grandfathers advice; which the answer will be HECK NOOOOO! 🙂 with a SMILE!

  9. Mike on May 10, 2011 at 10:59 am

    If you know your Family member and friend real good and you did this before you know who you can trust to pay you back. Those that never pay you back well they are out of luck in my case.

  10. Mary on May 10, 2011 at 11:00 am

    I always say…I was just abt to ask you the same thing.letting them know two peas in a pod.that would be my answer everytime they ask,and eventually they will stop

    • ShalenaD.I.V.A on May 10, 2011 at 11:20 am

      @Mary—My friend does that, too and people have stopped asking him altogether—Lol!

      • Mary on May 10, 2011 at 11:23 am

        Shalena…sometimes people would bleed you dry.you have folks always got they hand out,like you owe them something.It really depends on that person situation,but u got people who will ask you because if they think you are nice you would do it for them.My uncle always said you never paid me back from the last time,how abt catching up what you owe.

  11. Patricia on May 10, 2011 at 11:00 am

    Dont get weary in doing good! For the Bible says..you will reap..if you faint not. Your kindness has not gone unseen! God is omnipresent. He is everywhere at ALL TIMES! Sometimes your reward might not show up in the person that we gave t…o..but God is faithful…good and true. Giving is so IMPORTANT. LEARNING HOW TO SERVE ONE ANOTHER. GIVING IS A SEED..THAT MULTIPLYS BECAUSE IT IS BASED ON THE LAWS AND PRINCIPLE OF GOD AND THE PLANTING OF THE SEED CALLED GOOD AND KINDNESS. SEED TIME.. HARVEST TIME. I had an enemy who became my steppin stone…i sent her a large sum of money…NO LOAN..she never called to say she had received the money..i was disappointed in her…but God turned her evil to good for me…in another important matter. My mama told me…when you work for others…do it as unto the Lord! He is a rewarder of them who diligently SEEK HIM! PROMISE.

    • ShalenaD.I.V.A on May 10, 2011 at 11:20 am

      @Pat—Thanks! It’s a good reminder!

  12. Godson on May 10, 2011 at 11:01 am

    you’ve all said well but come to think of it the other way round when we ask from our father God and he comes up with this same attitude like we’ve not been showing him much appreciation in regards to the things his been doing or some of th…e things…By the special grace of God I have personally done much for people that never came back with a thank you.Now i choose i’m not going to be waiting or expecting a thank from anyone but get blessed by God…in other wards i won’t stop been hospitable/a lender because someone never said thank you or never called, I refuse to stop!!! i guess the best way is to continue with d lending cox as children of the most high that’s part of the things we’ve been called to do, i also believe a lot of people won’t mind been a lending than a borrower!!!

    • Felicia on May 10, 2011 at 11:17 am

      I agree! So glad God doesn’t keep score!! If I have it, then you have it!! But…….don’t take my kindness for weakness!! 🙂

      • Patricia on May 10, 2011 at 11:29 am

        @Felicia..i agree..your kindness is one of your strong points. If i am ever in trouble..i hope i should meet you on the road to Summaria. I met a stranger who found me on the `side of the road..i had been treated badly and my heart was br…uised…but along came this `good summaritan..who picked me up…bandaged me..and set me on my feet again WITH A JOB AT A BANK MAKING 600 DOLLARS A WEEK…30 YEARS AGO…years later..when i had to greatest opportunity of a life time..it was hearing THE VOICE of that kind soul..when i told him i wanted to return the kindness in some way…he told me..I DID NOT OWE HIM ANYTHING..THAT HIS REWARD WAS IN THE DOING…THE PUTTING ME BACK ON MY FEET…I AM STILL THANKING GOD FOR THIS KIND PERSON. HE IS A VERY RICH MAN NOW…LIVES IN A 3MILLION DOLLAR HOME…DRIVES the latest BMW..AND IS THE OWNER OF A LARGE PROSPEROUS COMPANY AND HAS LIVED TO BE ALMOST 90 YEARS OLD!

        • Felicia on May 10, 2011 at 12:17 pm

          @ Patricia ~ Awww, thanks *teary eyed* I have been helped in sooo many ways by complete strangers! One little one~ I ran out of gas(first time ever), and made it to the gas station, I had only .50 cents in my wallet! I had to quickly make …

    • ShalenaD.I.V.A on May 10, 2011 at 11:21 am

      @All- I always try to give and help whenever I can, but I’ve become wiser with who I help and how.

  13. Laticia on May 10, 2011 at 11:02 am

    i don’t never lend to nobody, thats cause problems, especially w/family. i whether 4 a person 2 say they wants something instead of saying borrow, cuz u & that person knows they is never gonna give it back. i have no problems with helping people, i love 2 help others, just b honest when u come begging from me, i give from the heart. i never told no 1 no, unless i don’t have have it.

    • ShalenaD.I.V.A on May 10, 2011 at 11:21 am

      ‎@Laticia—I totally understand where you’re coming from.

  14. John on May 10, 2011 at 11:02 am

    Hey u’all, good topic. In the beginning the phone would’nt stop ringing. After the heartache story, the professing of their love, the softening blow. The handing over of funds, the phone goes quiet, the promised payback date expired. A year… passed, i eventually wrote off the money. At fam gatherings, they cant even face me as if i did them a huge wrong. I never 1c ask for the bucks. So the next time they wont get “shit” out of me. I’m no sucker for punishment…

  15. Stafford on May 10, 2011 at 11:03 am

    I think if you are giving from the heart God will make it right in the end.

  16. Wilnet on May 10, 2011 at 11:04 am

    It depends

  17. Shalena D.I.V.A. on May 10, 2011 at 11:15 am

    @All—It seems like the people who are always asking are usually the ones who you shouldn’t loan to because that means they never have money. I know some friends who don’t borrow or lend at all and that keeps them straight with friends. I think we all know who’ll burn us in the end, but it may surprise you sometimes.

  18. Godson on May 10, 2011 at 11:16 am

    When you stop expecting a thank,you won’t come up with that attitude of i il stop helping pple…God bless y’all

  19. Patricia on May 10, 2011 at 11:19 am


  20. Patricia on May 10, 2011 at 12:18 pm

    Great testimonies..even the oneS that say that have been USED AND abused enough…we trully understand and feel your pain. BEEN THERE…DONE THAT…But do we do unto others as we want others to do unto us…or as i say..do you DO unto others as you want GOD TO DO UNTO YOU! THE EARTH IS ROUND…WHAT GOES AROUND…COMES AROUND… RIGHT BACK TO YOU!

    • ShalenaD.I.V.A on May 10, 2011 at 12:19 pm

      @Pat—you’re right! It all comes back around. I will continue to give, but like I said, I’ll be wiser

  21. Patsy on June 16, 2011 at 5:12 am

    We just met? No. Maybe $5 for gas but I wouldn’t expect to get it back and I would NOT go out with him.

  22. Allen on June 16, 2011 at 5:12 am

    let me hold a lil sumin….

    • ShalenaD.I.V.A on June 16, 2011 at 5:27 am

      @Allen I’ll let hold your breath… LOL

  23. Cheryl on June 16, 2011 at 5:13 am

    Ok, I was stupid once & he left me broke & brokenhearted, so my answer to that question is HELL NAH!!!

  24. Reggie on June 16, 2011 at 5:14 am

    Thats so funny cuz if tha shoes were on tha otha feet and tha man said no………..all HELLS BREAKIN LOOSE

  25. Lynn on June 16, 2011 at 5:14 am

    I’ve lend a man money before, but he was someone special in my life at that time and i knew he meant well and he only asked for money when he really needed it and he helped me out as well when i needed his help. But just meeting someone and they ask you for money, i would say no, i don’t have it, because for me, that’s to soon and bold to ask someone because I wouldn’t do that.

  26. Gene on June 16, 2011 at 5:15 am

    GET UP & RUN AWAY! No man should be asking a lady he’s dating for money! If they’ve been together in a relationship they would help each other! But a dude u just started kicking it with? HELL NO!

    That like the lady a man starts dating & sud…denly she doesn’t have money to pay her bills/rent/mortgage next month…. I’ll politely excuse myself & haul ass outta there!

    Ladies don’t go supporting a joker u just met! Same to the fellas!! They about to cut off my cell phone cuz I can’t pay the bill…………So send smoke signals!!! LOLSee More

    • ShalenaD.I.V.A on June 16, 2011 at 5:26 am

      He won’t have me on Judge Judy trying to recoup a history because that’s all it boils down to in the end. Some women will give these lames all of their money. I just can’t see myself lending a man money… sorry. Now some male family members but not a man I’m dating. A serious relationship is different and will depend.

  27. Roger on June 16, 2011 at 5:15 am

    Dang Diva, I was about to hit you up for some funds. Thought we had something special..yo Gene, she hating on the brothers AGAIN!

  28. Samantha on June 16, 2011 at 5:16 am

    Where is that man’s ego ??? I will NOT borrow him .PERIOD !!!…

  29. Karen on June 16, 2011 at 5:16 am

    Really???? LOL I don’t think so.

  30. Karen on June 16, 2011 at 5:17 am

    I would be like, what you say?

  31. Diane on June 16, 2011 at 5:17 am

    Id tell em to go and do what hes been doing best, sell some ass! Conclusion 4 disrespecting black queens.

  32. Donald on June 16, 2011 at 5:18 am

    okay…i been m.i.a., but i’ve been wacthing…i have one question for you……… where in the heck are you meeting these men!!! really? this is why we few but exisiting good men get kicked to the curb. really? do guys really do this?…smh, i hope not…really?

    • ShalenaD.I.V.A on June 16, 2011 at 5:25 am

      @Donald, I missed you! I post questions that people present to me and ask me to present tio the group. Although some are funny or quirky they are real scenarios and they actually help people. IT’s always easier to learn a lesson when you’re not the subject. AS for oyu, I must ask– where do you go to find women? You do know that you attract what you are, right?

    • ShalenaD.I.V.A on June 16, 2011 at 5:25 am

      @Donald–let me rephrase that because I meant that in the most compassioante way. You seem like a great guy and with the shortage of good men, I’m scratching my head as to why you are single or can’t find the one. Where do you usually meet women?

  33. Rochelle on June 16, 2011 at 5:19 am


  34. Coreo on June 16, 2011 at 5:21 am

    That explains why u won’t lemme hold a dollar! I’m sayin’ tho.. come off that cash (Shalena pulls out a wad’a twenties and hun’edz).. u know what..? Lemme hold a twenty instead.. even a hun’ed if u wanna raise some’a that weight off yo’ fangerz

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