Chasing Love or a Dream by T. Chanel
It started in high school. Chase and I were the best of friends. Sparks would fly when we were together and everyone around us could’ve felt it. Sometimes it seemed as if nothing could’ve come between us, no matter who we were with or what we were doing: playing basketball, playing cards, or hanging with the crew. There was always a connection. Although we were only fourteen at the time, what we had was serious. I felt like I really loved him and I’m not talking about puppy love either. It wasn’t infatuation where I always wanted to be with him or would die without him, but rather a deep and sincere friendship that came with the acceptance of flaws and quirks.
After some time, Chase and I decided to become a couple. We were young. What did we have to lose? We had fun, laughs and steamy compromising encounters, but it never actually ended up with any sex. I wasn’t ready for that then. But after a while, Chase started acting immature. He started showing off, getting loud when he saw me and acting the fool, at least that’s how I felt. I mean we were young, but I really was mature for my age. Girls were envious because the boys liked and could get along best with me. They showered me with their attention. Of course I was BRANDED the BAD GIRL, but who cares. People will talk, right!
With me being so mature, Chase’s childish ways started getting on my nerves. Before I knew it, my feelings for him had changed considerably over a short period of time. One day while sitting out near the soccer field on the school compound, he asked to kiss me. I don’t know what happened, but I hesitated as a smug grin spread across his face like a little boy, confirming my doubts about his maturity. All of a sudden I snapped back and said, “Please don’t take this the wrong way, but I don’t want us to be together anymore. I’m sorry, but we should be just friends.” I saw the hurt in his eyes, but I didn’t care. I didn’t know why, but I just didn’t have love for him, not like I used to. It’s like everything I used to like about him repulsed me. His thin, muscular legs just seemed like scrawny sticks to me now. His arms looked like golden brown string beans. His hazel colored eyes seemed beady and too close together all of a sudden. And his curly hair seemed like it needed to be cut. I just wasn’t feeling Chase anymore.
Shortly after, I graduated school and immediately took a job because I wanted independence. My parents didn’t stop me or push me to get a career leaving me to follow my own path, so I did just that. For the first few years out of high school, I moved through life progressing from one meager job to the next until I met my now husband. Mark was a bad boy, athletic, real worldly, attentive, loving, and seemed to be ok. We hung out, partied and romanced each other for a year and we were sprung on each other. At 19 years of age and 5 months pregnant I got married… people were disappointed, but I wanted it. I was hesitant at first but I thought, hey I love this man, nothing and no one would get in the way of that! Hmmm! I was dead wrong.
After the birth of my first daughter, I was happy, we were happy. The attentiveness continued. Mark stayed up all night with the baby if he had to. Things were ok. But after the birth of my second daughter, everything started going downhill after my company asked me to transfer from one branch of my company to another. This meant Mark had to leave his job and settle in a new state with no jobs lined up for him. I felt bad for Mark during this time because he couldn’t find a job and I could tell it was messing with his manhood. But I was left to do almost everything: pay the bills, take care of the kids, and take care of him. He became so demanding. It’s like he was competing with the kids and my job for my attention. I was juggling so much and I was slowly getting burned out. With so much on my shoulders, I was depressed. I cried myself to sleep most nights because being so young and naive I thought I was doing something wrong. I tried harder to please Mark and hold down my household to the point where I forgot about me and almost went crazy.
Growing up in a Christian home, I decided to be the better person and give my marriage a chance. I said for the sake of my children, for the sake of Christ I’ll stay, so I stayed with him. I still wasn’t given a dime, still paid all the bills, and took care of the kids. Mark gave me no emotional support either. He was always cussing and fighting with me. He was emotionally abusive, too. He would manipulate me into feeling bad or guilty for not providing his needs. And oh, he always accused me of cheating. To be honest, there was a guy at work who showed some interest in me. He was a real sweet talker, but nothing happened between us. Mark checked my phone one day and came across a text the guy from work sent me and flew off the handle. Even after he realized that nothing happened between me and this guy, he still searched for ways to accuse me of cheating. He still reads my emails and texts, and asks foolish questions over every little thing.
Even though I made a commitment to stay in my marriage, I just couldn’t take it anymore. Every woman has a breaking point and I had reached mine. It seems like as soon as I threw my hands up, the strangest thing happened.
After my family and I relocated to Baltimore, I eventually left my company and got a job with a law firm that helped me through school. I decided get my degree. I really loved working in this law firm as a clerk because I always dreamed of becoming a lawyer. Hey, you have to start somewhere! One day during lunch, I bumped into Chrissy, an old friend from high school who recently moved to Baltimore, too. While eating in the Harbor, we started reminiscing and she asked me about Chase, my high school darling. After working fresh out of high school, a few boyfriends and a marriage later, you would have thought that I had long forgotten about Chase, but I had thought about him recently. That seemed strange to me. But stranger still, Chrissy told me that Chase had been trying to get in touch with me for years. I couldn’t believe he still thought of me after all of these years, especially how I treated him. WOW. Out of curiosity I gave her my number and email address to give to him.
Surprisingly, Chase called me a few weeks later. We talked and I found out he wasn’t living in the country anymore and that he was coming home to visit so we planned to meet. I’d grown used to living under my husband’s microscope and tried to avoid conflict with him for so long that I was apprehensive about meeting up with Chase. But I went to meet him anyway. We met at a bar and had a few drinks. We sat and talked about the good old days and caught up on each other’s lives… Of course, I sat there looking at his now chiseled golden brown arms, his buff chest, and those gorgeous hazel colored eyes. The scent of his cologne danced in my nostrils and his deep, sexy voice melted me to my very core. When he leaned over to hug me, my panties instantly became wet and a chill ran up and down my spine. He had matured, indeed. Chase was all man now. That first meeting left me wondering what if.
From then on, we kept meeting in secret and it was fun trying not to get caught. The funny thing is that it felt like we were kids all over again. We went to the movies, hung out and talked in the park or just chilled just like old times. We met every time he came home to visit. We’d have the most intriguing conversations that made me examine my life. And the sex was BANANAS! When we were kids, there was a spark between us, but as adults there was an unquenchable fire.
After all of these years, Chase had become the perfect man for me. I wished we could be together. But whenever I’d bring it up to him, he’d say that he always cared about me, but warned me of falling in love with him because I’d get hurt. But it was already too late for that shit because I was caught up and had fallen hard, real hard. I didn’t want to let go!
I did get hurt, though.
Just like I had a whole other life waiting for me back home, Chase had one, too. He had a live-in girlfriend who he was supposed to be getting married to in a couple of months. They had a son together, but to be honest, when he showed me the picture of the little boy, I couldn’t see any resemblance of Chase. But I could’ve been hating because I so wanted to switch places with his girl. I wanted Chase. He was supposed to be my man. But my female intuition wasn’t too far off at all. I don’t know why, but his girlfriend confessed that the little boy wasn’t Chases’ son. This news devastated Chase and really crushed his soul. He always wanted a son and had grown to love this little boy. Their relationship went down the drain. I still remember the night we met and lay in my arms and cried like a baby. I hurt for him. I was there for him during this trying time.
But it seemed like we started seeing each other less and less after that. His attitude changed somewhat and I got impatient and irritable with him. The last time we were to meet, he called me and we got into an argument. I got tired of him acting so flaky and asked him why he acting so strange. He finally admitted that he had slept with someone else. That one hit me like a damn freight train. But I acted real cool about it. I didn’t think it was something to go off the hook over because after all I was doing the exact same thing to Mark! But the shit hurt nonetheless!
In a way, I felt like this whole thing just blew up in my face. I mean in spite of our circumstances, Chase has fine qualities that I love. He’s patient, understanding, kind, loving, and fun. But then there’s the complete assness he does that gets me upset. But throughout this whole “friendship” I still don’t know what to think. He’s straight forward, down to earth and isn’t afraid to be himself even if it means acting the fool. I have a level of trust in him as far as a man could be trusted. But I still don’t know what he wants from me. When I ask him if he only wants sex from me, he never confirms or denies it. I still have many reservations due to that quality he has…It confuses me immensely!
One time, during general conversation, Chase told me that as long as a man can have sex with a woman he knows that he’ll have a hold on her. I never forgot that statement. It lingered in my mind. Frankly, I want so much than to be friends with benefits with Chase. Maybe I’m asking too much. That is why I am making a concerted effort to pull myself away from him emotionally because I have to be realistic. I still have to consider my kids and my husband. Even though Mark treats me like crap, I don’t want to be unfair to him. I want him to be happy even if it’s not with me.
Needless to say though, my life at home doesn’t hinder the deeply connected feeling I have toward Chase. If at any point Chase wants to truly end what we have, I am willing to let go, but I’d be lying to myself if I say I don’t want him in my life and that I don’t love him. BUT, if he says he wants me and all that I come with once my drama gets straightened out, I will fight like a hellcat to make it work! I know and don’t doubt that Chase cares and might even love me. However, I can’t depend on mere intuition, feelings, or assumptions. I wish he would tell me what’s what. Oh, I hate that he has so much power in this.
On the other hand, I’m trying not to let the dead marriage influence the decisions I make in wanting that emotional connection to Chase. However, I made up my mind to end my ten year marriage. To me it’s over, but not to Mark. No matter how we say we are going to try & patch things up, (he’s even taken on a new attitude and is working even harder to impress me), things are just getting worst because to me it’s not genuine. I grew, changed and progressed, becoming wiser to his foolishness. I now refuse to be a victim of Mark’s railings. I have become more aware of who I am. I love myself more and stand up for myself, but he is constantly trying to hold me in the cycle that is draining me mentally, emotionally, and physically. Mark’s new act is stifling because he is trying to suck me in and it is pushing me farther away.
Finally getting to happy in my life will be difficult because Mark isn’t going to let me leave that easily. I’ve prayed night and day for an answer and a sign. But after every escalating argument and my mere disinterest, the answer is obvious: To move on. Being with Chase would be awesome, but the next moves I’ll make will be for me, my sanity, and my existence, not for anyone else.
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I was just reading that
GOOD
Turn to God.
I didn’t have time to read the whole story but I hope she doesn’t think that transition is going to be easy. She should close one chapter before jumping into another one or everyone, children included, r about to suffer a lot more.
T. Chanel, life can be crazy, but love can be even crazier. Sometimes, we are not ready to receive some things when they show up in our lives and then sometimes we don’t want them or know that we are passing up great opportunities. I think you’re on the right path in terms of making decisions for you and not for any man. I honestly don’t think Chase is the man for you right now either. He has a lot going on and who knows what’s behind the door when you leave your husband. You’re goign to have to figure out so much and it’s not going to be easy at all as you’ve stated. I don’t want you to jump oout of the frying pan and into the fire.
Gotta get it!!! And, I agree with Clarence.
sad story…but still life goes on….
@Gene—good point. This transition won’t be easy at all.
@Sandy—do you mean get to happy? But at what cost?
You deserve to be happy, question is are you thinking about the cost in the long run as far as your husband and children. sometimes the grass looks greener on the other side sometimes we are caught off guard by the illusion of what love is and what it really looks like. write down the pros and cons for each person this way you see it and take it from there. if you are still unsure prayer alwyas works! good luck sweetheart!
@Sharon—I think that’s great advice, but folks look different on paper—LOL! I think she should also write down what she wants and what’s realistic in addition to what you suggested. I don’t know, but have you ever had someone in your life that seems perfect for you, but you two can never get together because of this and that? I think we all have someone like that in our lives. This high school sweetheart may be that person in her life.
Interesting Shelena ,how are you?
@shalena this is a real hard one wow i don’t get stumped easily. this one got me though! sometimes just being alone is difficult. with your husband and best friend that is really complex.
Cant find no happiness w/o God.
in life everybody has his or her own story to tell but who wants to be like this lady?
Cant find no happiness w/o God. U & your mate.
T. Chanel, I feel for you, girl! Chase seems like a nice guy, but both of y’all have jacked up situations. What makes it worse is that Chase has that good mandingo and he treats you how you want to be treated. He does everything your husband refuses to do so this makes it harder for you to make the right decision. I will say this, I think you should focus on home while you’re in this transition because who knows how your husband will respond. And of course, he will automatically assume that you’re leaving him for someone else. I just hope he doesn’t get violent or anything. You need to think this thing out and plan liek 20 steps ahead of him because he sounds like the vindictive type. i wish you the best of luck.
@shalena i do agree with you i have been in a similar situation and i did the same as i suggested it made it a little easier. crazy part i always believed the one i was with was meant to be my husband.the best friend was married as well they got divorced, and he still never chose me anyway. i stayed with my husband even though we are separated now!
Just Changing A Bit I would Love to Share Things with You. But I Can’t Blog or Email You. What do I do?
@shalena how does that grab ya?lol sad and true!
@Sharon—Life is crazy like that. This one was hard one, too. It’s not a simple yes or no. I mean there’s nothing like reuniting with someone that has turned out to be all that you want in a man only to not be able to be with him. This reminds me of the Carl Thomas song “I Wish I Never met Her.” I really enjoyed reading this one because she was so honest.
This is where is one is between a rock and a hard place. God does solve such impossible situations. Let me ask, is the lady saved or not?
@Ileena—I’m good, girl! How are you?
@Clarence–I agree!
@Peter—It could be worse. I think because this woman is praying and taking her time, she’s prevented a lot of extra drama. I think she’ll be okay though.
who wants to bring this dead marriage back to life?
I think so too @ shalena it took a lot of heart and courage to bring this out in the open!
Wow!! I think her finally move was the best move. Simply bc she, did what was best for her. I don’t think she should be quick to run to Chase, although the two of them are seeing each other, doesn’t necessarily means that they were meant to be. She could easily end up with another MARK. AFTRALL, he did sleep with some one else.
Good story overall.
Aiite, here I go, has she lost her god given mind ? To be honest, it feels as if she has left a few pieces out. At no point does she mention if she was supportive of her husband while he transitioned to a new city not of his choosing, and t…hen not to be able to find a job would bruise any self respecting mans ego. Its not like the brother wasn’t working when she married him, he had a job and looks like he was holding his own, things started changing when SHE decided to move. Did she try to understand how he may have felt ? She says her husband is now trying but yet she calls it fake, if she is so blinded by Chase, how can she make an impartial judgment as to whether or not her husbands actions and new attitude are genuine or not ? It seems as if he never found out about her affair so why would he need to put on an act ? Take the blinders off, step back and truly examine your role in the breakdown of your marriage ? Did you start feeling superior to your husband because you were the one holding it down? Did you unknowingly make him feel small ? You put yourself into a few compromising positions hon. To begin with, the guy at your old job, why are you, as a married woman exchanging numbers with another man ? Why are you texting him? Check yourself sister before you lose your family over nothing.
@Roger, you bring up good points, but I was under the impression that she was being there for her husband as they transitioned. But at some point, everybody has a breaking point. She can’t do it all. I totally understand what you mean by your comment though. Some women could be more supportive of their men.
@ shalena, she mentions she was paying the bills, but she didn’t say if she was supportive or not. That’s why I say the story is missing some information. Its easy to throw in the towel when you think the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, not realizing its only spray paint.
Roger, men kill me. Thsi woman is doing all of this for her kids, her man, and the household and all men like you can think about is why isn’t she supporting him? I mean, she’s only one perosn. Shouldn’t he pitch in more. Can’t he make sure dinner is ready and the hosue is cleaned while he’s not working or is that too much too ask. Men—SMH!
get to happy, if she the 1 working , holding the bills, kids, & her man down. have this man hold down a job anytime during the marriage, helping out like he suppose to? it all depend on the situation.
@Laticia—He used to work back in their hometown. He’s had a hard time finding new work after the move. I don’t know how long that’s been though.
then that’s a hard choice, she need to follow her heart. and in the process of following her heart, she need to take in consideration of the kids & from the time she said “i do” to the “now”, weight the good times & bad times & go from there. & she have to feel good within her heart that’s it the right choice. if she a christian, she need to pray & let GOD decide.
I read it. I cn totally relate. If u go back to ur hsbnd it will js be a cycle tht u will keep repeating over n over again. Bcoz ur hsbnd wants to suck u into his web..once he has u he will be the same as he was b4. He has a negligent spiri…t..same as my ex hsbnd. He cnt take responsibilty..n will do only wots necessary for him to get wot he wants. U were young n inexperienced. Ur hsbnd has bn well trained n rly he wont change. Thr r certain things in his character tht will neva change. Move on.. Even if u dnt move on with Chase.. Js move on n start fresh. If u get to b wth Chase n he wants u n ur kids..take him. But if not..start over 4 urslf. U will find alot of urslf is supressed in u bcos of Mark. While u r wth Mark it will neva surface. Move on. I believe God wants us to be happy n wants us to reach our full potential of wot He created us to be.. Discover who tht is. Dnt hold on to empty promises of wot might but wot will neva materialise. God made us for Him..not for man..at least nt for the wrong man. Plz undastand this i am totally against divorce…but i dnt condone sm1 stifling sm1 else to the point of stagnancy. Love sets us free to be who we are n to grow..nt to stifle us n mould us into wot we think we oughta be. This is for the lady tht wrote the story. See More
@ Shalena…no I was saying I gotta get the book. Not knowing @ the time it was a short story posted right before my EYEZ !!!
But, yeah I to gotta find HAPPINESS!! But, I know it gotta strt from within. I’m somewhat going thru something simpler to this situation…my hands and folded before the LORD !!!
@Sandy–You gotta browse my website because you will find quality stories that should be books. They are so well written and so raw and honest. They really touch upon so much because they are true stories. Hang in there, Sandy! I wouldn’t want this situation for nothing.
@ Shalena…I will DEFINITELY check out your website…bc I AM LOVING your posts. I ALWAYSSSSS wanted to join a book club and this is the closest I’ve gotten. NO one in my area is interested….told me reading is boring !! LOl…they must got a hold of the WRONG BOOKSSSSS !!
Obviously, this female IS NOT saved bc she is MARRIED and having an affair on the side. With a Guy who is holding it down with someone else, AND he slept with someone other than the two of them….DON’T SOUNDS LIKE GOD IS IN THIS PICTURE @ …ALL !! I THINK she should SIT & TALK with her husband, bc communication is key in any relationship. Let him know how she is feeling and Tibe versa. Not once did the story tell that the communication line was open for this marriage. They should strt there, get a strong base pray life, in to Church, and let God order their steps. BC, her husband goodness is what attracted her to him. He have up his job so she can better herself on her job. That alone means something !! Let’s give ol dude a little credit. LOL !! She should NOT have let it gotten this far. See God DON’T put more on us then we can bare. Lots of times we do it to OURSELVES !!!See More
This was a great story. It’s hard making decisions to leave a relationship especially when kids are involved. I think that life itself is too short and you have to do what makes you happy. Whatever that is… I don’t think its all about Chase though..it’s the thought that happiness is out there, somewhere. Outside of what you are experiencing in your marriage. Its like a sought of re-birth when someone else other than your mate becomes interested in you. You start to feel pretty, wanted, loved, understood and so on. Good luck, I definately can relate….
that girl is messed up…and has to make decisions that can change not only her life permanently but her children too…hmmm
man propose…GOD controls…lets watch and hear the final say from GOD…
@ Peter…well said !! But she have GOT to first ALLOW God in…HE WILL NOT FORCE HIS WAY IN. HE STANDS and KNOCK!!! The rest is up to her.